An Open and Shut Case

Case Number: VT 05/04/01/3462

Incident: Gastronomic Incident
Reporting Officer: Constable Meehan
Date of Report: 12 August 2012

At about 1040 hours on 12 August 2012, I received an urgent call from a Mrs. Judith Haynes of 30 Brighton Ct. regarding a suspected domestic incident at her residence. Mrs. Haynes said she returned from church at approx. 1030 hours Sunday morning and noticed a peculiar smell in the house. She smelled smoke and began to panic as she suspected a K-911 (kitchen break-in) had occurred. Upon gaining entry to the scene of the incident I was struck by a strong smell of garlic and onions and some other smell I could not quite recognize. There was a frying pan on the stove with remnants of what appeared to be a strange green material.

I conducted a survey of the scene and found several suspected weapons - a fork, two knives, and a spatula. There were no signs of forced entry into the refrigerator so I knew it was an inside job. I took several photographs of the evidence and then surveyed the rest of the house. That was when I discovered her husband, lying on the couch and unresponsive but with a satisfied smile on his face. There was a plate on the coffee table with a greasy smear of bacon, a few crumbs and the unmistakable remnant of a piece of green tomato. Suddenly I recognized that smell in the kitchen and knew that this would be an open and shut case. After all, my old man had suffered from the same strange addiction. It was the start of the fried green tomato season and I knew we could expect a few more calls of this sort - happens every year.

I obtained a sworn statement from Mrs. Haynes that she would keep an eye on her husband's diet and provided her with the case number and Information Leaflet 99/07 ("Living with a Tomaholic"). I entered the report details into the station database as another seasonal gastronomic incident. Just before heading back to the precinct I made a last minute search of the general vicinity as we had reports of a chicken being held in the area without a permit. I went to the garden shed - slowly opened the door and then quickly shut it again. Like I said - an open and shut case. End of report.

Now We Are Sixty*

When I was one I had just begun

When I was ten I was only ten

When I was twenty I had plenty 

When I was thirty I was flirty

When I was forty - Lordy Lordy

When I was fifty I was nifty 

But now I am sixty and clever as clever 

I think I'll be sixty for ever and ever!

*with apologies to A.A. Milne

PBJ

What is a person to do? We read labels, count calories, measure daily percentages - all in an endless quest for good health and immortality; when all we really want is food that tastes good and is good for you. Well, I think I have found it. And it was right under our noses all along - right there in our lunch pails in fact.

Remember lunch pails? Now I don't want to get off topic too much, but there is a smell I miss. The smell of opening a slightly warm lunch pail at school and smelling everything in there all mixed together - baloney sandwiches wrapped in wax paper, an apple, home made macaroon cookies and maybe even a hard boiled egg still in the shell - with some salt twisted up in wax paper - all courtesy of Mom. And wash that all down with a nice glass of warm milk or if you were lucky - warm chocolate milk! And while I am at it - whatever happened to lunch pails anyway? And I don't mean those fancy Roy Rogers or Elvis Presley vanity lunch boxes - I mean a real metal lunch pail with the hinged rounded top where you kept your thermos. Of course even those were a step above the humble lard pail but when I close my eyes and imagine lunch time at Summerhill School - it is a lard pail that I see... and smell.

Now where was I? Oh yeah - the perfect food. Ladies and gentlemen - I give you the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And this is scientific too - I have read all the labels and done all the research so you can take my word for it. Peanut butter is the perfect food. It is low in sodium for the hyper-tense and has very little sugar for those you who are of the diabetic persuasion. What about calories you ask? Well I am pretty sure we all need those to survive so no problem there - but they do have a 25% less fat variety which I actually prefer, or you can just go easy.

And now for a short word about jam. Just like my preference for tea (click here) I prefer the cheaper brands of jam. I don't want half the sugar and double the fruit - I just want sticky, gloppy jam. You will find it down on the bottom shelf - it comes in two flavors, strawberry and raspberry. And the redder the better.

So there you have it folks - the perfect food. And to make things even simpler here is a short shopping list for the next time you go to the store: 1.) Peanut butter 2.) jam and 3.) bread. If you don't have the recipe I have that for you too: Take two slices of bread (home made would be nice but let's not get carried away) and apply a liberal amount of peanut butter to one slice. Add a layer of red, sticky jam and cover with the second slice. Press everything together firmly, wrap in wax paper and seal in a metal can for about 4 hours. Repeat until healthy.