DRIVEWAY REPORT

7:43 PM February 16, 2011:

MAINTENANCE PERSONNEL ADVISE DRIVEWAY SURFACE AT 30 BRIGHTON CT SNOW PACKED WITH BARE CENTER STRIP..... WHEELING IS FAIRLY GOOD WITH SLIPPERY SECTIONS NEAR THE BIG PINE TREE..... HEAVY DRIFTING REPORTED AROUND THE SIDE OF THE HOUSE WITH ICY SECTIONS NEAR SHED.

EXTRA CAUTION ADVISED AT INTERSECTION OF DRIVEWAY AND PATH LEADING TO MAILBOX.... AN ALERT HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR THE ENTIRE DRIVEWAY AND TRAFFIC HAS BEEN REDUCED TO ONE LANE.... OVERNIGHT PARKING IS RESTRICTED TO CARPORT.

VISIBILITY FAIR TO POOR DUE TO UNUSUALLY HIGH SNOW BANKS.... TRAFFIC ADVISORY HAS BEEN ISSUED FOR SLUSHY AREA NEAR THE ROAD.... REDUCED SPEED SHOULD BE USED WHEN EXITING DRIVEWAY ON GARBAGE DAY.... WALKWAYS ARE REPORTED TO BE IN MODERATE CONDITION DUE TO SLIGHT DRIFTING IN EXPOSED AREAS.

WARMING TREND FORECAST FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS WILL HOPEFULLY ALLOW EXHAUSTED STAFF TO TAKE WELL DESERVED BREAK.... PLEASE!!

Bee Mine

When I was growing up Valentine's Day was the most unromantic day of the year. After all, it was for kids and what did kids know or care about all that smoochy stuff? It certainly had nothing to do with love or sex or romance like it does today.

Valentine's Day was more about friendship and popularity - in other words, it was all about the numbers. Before Facebook and social networking Valentine's Day was a rare opportunity to tally up all your friends  - and what better way than by counting your Valentines. 

And it was about as accurate as Facebook too; in a well meaning attempt to keep things fair and equitable, the general rule was that everyone had to give a Valentine to everyone. So if there were 30 kids in your class you got 30 Valentines. I suppose there were some kids who received more than their share and some who came up a little short. But as the great philosopher Frank Sinatra once said - "That's life. That's what all the people say. You're either ridin' high in April - or shot down in May."

But for love sick, shy kids like me, Valentine's Day was the one day of the year when you could throw caution to the wind and finally tell that cute little girl in your class that she was the one for you. Of course you didn't do it in person - you did it by sending her a cheap Valentine that said something cryptic like "Eye A Door U" or the even more suggestive "Bee My Honey".  Hot stuff when you are nine years old! Then there were the generic "Howdy Pardner" or "You're Swell" Valentine cards to give to the boys in your class or to the less attractive girls - wouldn't want them to get the wrong idea now, would we?

So in keeping with the all inclusive, generic, gender neutral Valentine policy of my youth, I just want to say I think you're swell and wish you a Happy Valentine's Day, Pardner!

Fuckery and Hullabaloo

Our door bell has been defective for about two years. It was accidentally damaged by a wayward paint roller the first day we moved in and has never been right. Due to a bent chime it would no longer go Ding for the side door and Ding Dong for the front door - instead it went Ding for both. So we never knew which door to answer - I know that doesn't sound like a big deal but there have been some close calls. Answer the wrong door and you just might find yourself face to face with a Jehovah's Witness or miss out on a box of Girl Guide cookies. Obviously something had to be done...

I suggested putting up a sign at the side door that said Ring Once and one at the front door that said Ring Twice - problem solved, total cost $0.00 and both my Scottish mother and Handyman father would have been proud. But that would have been too simple wouldn't it? And besides, any idiot can fix a doorbell, right? So I bought a simple new door chime kit with lots of helpful installation instructions and after much fuckery and hullabaloo it was determined that it did not match up with our ancient 10 volt transformer. The best we could get was a ding for the side door and a muffled wheeze for the front door and it was downhill from there.

At this point I made the mistake of researching door bells on the internet - I had no idea there was such a fascinating world of door bells out there! There are beautiful wood grain sculptures with polished chimes, programmable door bells that play custom recorded songs and messages for any occasion. Biometric doorbells that scan your eyeballs and read your fingerprints! There are wireless door bells shaped like parrots, horses, porpoises - even talking Homer Simpson door bells! But alas such luxuries are not to be afforded in our modest doorbell budget, so back to the store I went and bought another model of the proper rating to match our good old transformer and then home again jiggedy jig. End of story - right? Wrong.

After much more fuckery and hullabaloo involving complicated schematics, advanced math, trial and error and black magic, the net result is that we now have no doorbell at all - no ding, no dong. But that is OK because now our defective doorbell fits right in with our misfiring gas fireplace, our non-toasting toaster and fuse-blowing cook top stove.

I realize these issues seem frivolous and petty and I would be more than willing to lend a sympathetic ear to anyone who cares to visit and share a cup of tea while we chat about the world's problems. Please feel free to drop by anytime, but it might be a good idea to call first and when you get here don't forget to knock - LOUD!