Friends and Aliens

This past week I happened to run into an unusual number of old friends that I have obviously lost touch with. What with spending so much time at work and around the house I guess I just haven't been keeping up with them and it was (sort of) nice to catch up on all the news.

I haven't seen some of these folks for a long time and I was mildly curious to learn what they have been up to. Well, to be honest I was kind of a "captive audience" but I thought it only polite to at least appear interested - after all, I have known these people for years and indeed I have grown up with some of them. You probably know some of them too...

I was amazed at how familiar yet strange their faces were, some looking a little older - some even apparently have had some "work" done. Some have been away on vacation and had the pictures to prove it, but their holiday photos revealed a little too much extra weight and no shortage of cellulite. A couple of the photos also revealed a few balding issues (was that a toupée?) and more than a few wrinkles! There is just no hiding that dye job and if she loses any more weight she will turn into an x-ray. And I am certainly not one to judge, but should some of these women even BE out in public without their make up?

I am not one to tell tales and spread gossip but it seems that "she" has been seen around a lot recently without "him" anywhere in sight. And who does she think she is fooling dressing like she is twenty when we all know she is fifty if she is a day! And I was only slightly shocked to learn that a couple of them have recently come out of the closet. We all knew about "him" but what about "her" - did anybody see that coming?

I don't mean to judge but I couldn't help notice that "she" is obviously pregnant and after her breakup with "him" how can she show her face in public? And him right there in plain sight with her best friend and all those new babies? I was not surprised that she is rumored to be hitting the bottle again... but I was saddened to learn that he is suffering from a mysterious disease and not long for this world. Now if it wasn't for the two headed baby giraffe and the space aliens in the Whitehouse I guess you might think I was being rather mean and judgmental... but I am innocent of both charges.

The only thing I am guilty of is spending too much time waiting in line at the Superstore reading all the latest 'scandal sheets' as they used to be called. Nothing much has changed - they are still reporting on all the latest fad diets, alien invasions, cheating spouses and what passes for movie stars these days. And while we are on the subject - just who are all these Kardashian women anyway? Talk about space aliens...

So now you know that these "friends" of mine are merely faces on magazine covers meant to entice us into the exciting and lurid world that most of us will thankfully never have to endure except in graphic headline form. Next time I go shopping I think I'll stick to eight items or less, keep my head down and head for the express lane.

Little Johnny

I have a confession to make. I have never had the benefit of a formal education - sex education that is. I missed out on that opportunity by about a year and I am glad I did. Because I learned about sex the old fashioned way - by sniggering and whispering with other dirty minded lads just like me. We learned about sex the way it was meant to be learned - from dirty jokes.

Dirty jokes were a total mystery to an innocent kid like me. I always remembered the punchlines but not the jokes, and I knew they were dirty - I just didn't know why. But that didn't stop me from chuckling knowingly with all the other ten year olds...

These dirty jokes were usually popularized by the much envied Johnny - otherwise known as Little Johnny, Dirty Johnny or sometimes Johnny Eferfast (it took me years to catch on to that one). Johnny was the master of the sly sexual innuendo and for a kid who we considered to be a contemporary of ours he was quite the man of the world.

Little Johnny could order an ice cream sundae and keep a straight face while tricking the waitress into innocently asking if he would like his nuts crushed? He would delight us by getting some unsuspecting kid to say "Mother May I" and then spell "cup"... oh how we roared!

If an old lady on the bus suddenly remembered she forgot to buy some pain relievers and shouted "Oh my Aspirins!" Johnny would bravely yell "If your ass burns - then stick it out the window" while we howled with laughter! He may have even sometimes been the butt of his own jokes but we secretly all wanted to be just like him. Johnny could put strangers, parents and even teachers in their place with his ribald pseudo innocence.

When the teacher asked someone to give an example of two abstract nouns (look it up) - in the blink of an eye Johnny would knowingly reply "Your tits". When he daringly asked "What word starts with F and ends with UCK?" we were both thrilled and shocked until Johnny said "a firetruck." Oh if only we dared to be as slick as Johnny... he was better than bad - he was good! Johnny could get a whole classroom of boys to wet themselves just by getting you to repeat a simple phrase like "rubber balls and liquor". As I recall that one had something to do with Marilyn Monroe in the bathtub but the sexual confusion didn't bother us - we were too busy rolling on the floor.

And finally Johnny taught us all to appreciate the finer things in life like poetry when he recited "There was a young man from Nantucket" and musical theater when he sang "She was riding down the road doing 90 miles an hour when the chain on her bicycle broke"... if you don't know the endings then I am afraid your education is lacking too.

I don't know if Little Johnny is still around or not but I kind of suspect he is. It must be tough for him in these days of the internet and sex education in schools. But I think that as long as there are ten year old boys, and as long as there are four letter words and boobs, Little Johnny will always have a willing audience. They may have put sex education in the schools but Little Johnny keeps it on the playground - where it belongs.